i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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