clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
