just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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