i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Terrible idea I love it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Pants are for mortals
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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