If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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