I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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