I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize