the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
