Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
