Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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