is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
