Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize