I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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