do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
