Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Banned from zoo.
Again?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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