1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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