My sheets look like a crime scene.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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