New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize