How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize