This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
