Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Fuck appropriateness.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
