: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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