Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
