I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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