he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize