Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize