Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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