the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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