we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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