Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
