She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
