I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
