Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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