Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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