fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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