I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
