So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
