Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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