can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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