I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
