Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
