he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
