Someone shit on the floor
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
