around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
