My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
