Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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