I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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