Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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