i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
