dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
