I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
