WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
