see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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