i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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