shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
